She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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