I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
where does the pee come out of this thing
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
