I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize