I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
