I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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