I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
