I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize