I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
