Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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