Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
