i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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