Small penises have feelings too.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize