Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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