Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
