Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
