shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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