You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
