I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
