He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
