god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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