he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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