remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
