just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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