I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
