i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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