Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
