Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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