We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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