Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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