Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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