I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
