I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
