there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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