"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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