Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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