Do you still have your period?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
