She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
