Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
