How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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