woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
