Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
