she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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