Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize