I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
