I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Houston, we have a squirter
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
