so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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