I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
