I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
foreskin is a definite game changer
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
