Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
