OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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