i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
