M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize