She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
