We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
there is glitter all over my balls
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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