We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize