I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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