Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
