Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
