haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
