can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
