eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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